Disgruntled

 For me, writing is basically free therapy.  That said, I know I frighten--strong word, but you know what I mean--some of my readers with the depth of what I write and I know some of you must think I am crazy for putting so much of myself 'out there' for human consumption...and feedback.  But, on some level, getting out the words on paper or screen as it is these days, is beneficial.  Okay, so what is my gripe du jour?  In a word, everything.  From receiving poorly articulated emails to annoying phone calls to everyone needing something from me today, I am just out of sorts.  I suppose that now having test-driven my 'new normal' life for a while I have decided I would like to return it but, apparently, there is a no return policy in place. Bummer...really.  

The new normal of my life is like a great pair of jeans that are just a size too small, they still look good enough to wear but I simply cannot wait to take them off as soon as I get home. My friends don't know why I am always complaining when I wear them either, but they just squeeze me in all the wrong places making me uncomfortable and cranky as life sometimes does. I want my old life back, please, because some days my new one just doesn't seem to fit me.

Static

I have a friend whose husband has changed jobs at least 5 times in the almost 12 years that I have known her and she has never had to move nor has her son had to switch schools for any reason.  She would never think of leaving her home as there are too many memories there for her as she has told me a million times.  I used to think she was crazy as I have always embraced change, even searched it out as I grow tired of things so quickly.  Now, after 4 tumultuous years of seeming non-stop change in our lives--almost none of which has been in our control--I envy her life.  I would thoroughly embrace some consistency and lack of flux right about now.  We have had our house on the market, taken it off, put it back on and now taken it back off again because leaving it on, and facing a potential six figure loss in a sale, is simply ludicrous.  I had to take back control and essentially take my house back, too.  We are not leaving anytime soon.  I was just about to let my guard down and think that we might get a little routine in our lives when tonight, we were told that the barn at which my son has ridden for the past 5 years is being sold.  Sounds simple enough except that he has a fabulous relationship with the present owner, who also happens to be his instructor, and she is probably not staying on to continue teaching.  My son is absolutely devastated; he could not even eat tonight.  It broke my heart to see him so sad.

Of course, we put a positive swing on it and,of course, children are resilient and he will move forward, but, wow, it hurts.  I suppose it bothers me even more based on just how much craziness and change my children have had to endure over these past years.  We are war-weary and the battle is not over yet.  My youngest asked me if I really believe 'all the stuff that comes out of my mouth' and the truth is, no, not really, but no one wins if they see me down and they must learn to handle adversity no matter how sick of it we are.

So tonight as I sit here and ponder this past week--not a fun one for sure--I really envy (I know how bad that is, wink, wink) my friend and her calm and somewhat routine life.  I wish that I could change my mantra of 'don't get too attached' to 'let's plan something for next summer' and then be able to stick to the plan.