Monday, May 19, 2014

The Final Countdown

I know it has been quite awhile since I last wrote a post, but that does not mean that I have not had a lot to say.  My issue is that most of what is inside my head right now needs to be edited extensively before it hits the page and is ready for public consumption.  It is not a secret that we have been struggling with trying to find a job for my husband, but that has been resolved (albeit for a brief while) with the temporary position he was offered this morning.  While it is far from perfect and it merely postpones our current situation, it does feel good to be able to table our never-ending discussions about networking, meetings, job boards, resumes and online applications so that I can discuss what is truly important to me right now, my son's impending graduation.

Never did I think that this event would bring me to my knees as it has been doing for the last few months.  The family joke is that I can be brought to tears at the mere mention of some inane pre-graduation reference.  My son's senior speech?  I cried for weeks.  Prom?  Yikes.  Last senior speech of the year?  You got it.  The final student was not even my son but I was overwhelmed by the fact that my son's class, in essence MY class, would soon be graduating.  His final two days of his high school career are today and tomorrow and then he has finals.  How did the year go by so quickly?  It feels like only yesterday that we were sitting at his 8th Grade Transition Dinner listening to what would be in store for us in high school.

People tell me that I should be happy for him as he is embarking on his own life now, a new chapter of independence but I am.  I could not be more proud of him if I tried.  You see, I am really crying for myself and all that I will be missing when he goes away.  I tried a variety of careers before having my son but nothing felt quite right.  I was never satisfied and always searching, but then I had a baby and everything crystallized for me.  As antiquated as it may sound, I was born to be a mom.  I have a 'new normal' ahead for me, an adjustment to my thinking and planning as now I will be caring for three children at home, not four. Right now, it just seems weird, odd and surreal that I will not be setting the table for six nor will I be reading over his essays or having him sit in the passenger seat when driving to school with his siblings.  It is definitely going to take quite a while for me to ever get used to this, if indeed I ever do.

I wish I could go back to my 'original normal,' back on the east coast, with my husband working at a job he loved and with me in my sun-filled home stressing out over whether or not to send my soon-to-graduate to kindergarten at four years old or not (I did) and hoping that as my children grew up they would get along better (they don't).  I can say with some certainty, however, that no matter how sad I am about graduation, there is one person in this family who is more worried than I am.  That would be the son who is next in line for all my attention (and anxiety and worry) as he navigates the three years until he goes off to college.