Thursday, January 31, 2013

Where Did He Go?

Okay, I have looked everywhere.  I checked downstairs, upstairs and outside but there is no sign of my husband anywhere.  I am staring to get really worried because his car is missing, too.  He is always here after I drop the children off at school so I just cannot imagine why his car would not be in the driveway or why he is not sitting at the computer when I walked in.  Oh, wait a minute...he got a job!  He is not here because he is at work. Strange.  I suppose this is yet another 'new normal' for us.  It is going to take a while to get used to, you know?  Three years is a long time to be out of work and from my perspective to have another person hanging out with you daily when you are used to riding solo was no walk in the park.  We have always had very clearly defined areas of responsibility with my husband's being work and mine being the children, the house, the errands and, of course, Phoebe.  With him home for so long, he started encroaching on my territory which was definitely a double-edged sword. On the one hand, he took over all the after school driving which was fabulous.  I thought a lot about how I wanted to handle the 'flip-side' explanation so that I would not sound like a wench nor would I hurt my husband's feelings. Suffice it to say, then, that I am a very controlling person who enjoys being solely in charge of her domain--having to include my husband in the daily decision-making process really cramped my style (was that PC enough?).

That said, I am going to miss the morning coffee he always bought for me and the lunch companion with whom I shared all my thoughts, anxieties and dreams.  All I know is Phoebe had better watch out because I am going to talk her little fluffy ears off.  So the way I see it, it is a total 'win' for me as my husband is working and my new companion only looks at me affectionately but offers no opinions.  It is nice to start to feel normal again.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


Three years and 18 days.  A terribly long time to be out of work but as of today, we get to change that status to employed.  I must admit that as thrilled as we are to finally have a job, the victory is surprisingly hollow.  After having fought a very long and very difficult battle, and battle it was, our victory brings with it a whole new set of problems as the salary is far from what we are used to and the job is located here...and we all know how much I fantasized about leaving here, now don't we?  My mom, an incorrigible optimist (did I mention I take after my dad?), wants me to look at this as a stepping stone and to continue to work toward my dream of moving back east. I must admit that I do get frustrated by our new found need to 'make do' with what we have and I long to return to my old life, not my life of three years ago, but the one before that when I was genuinely happy.

 I have learned a lot about people and relationships over the past three years and I have certainly learned a lot about myself.  I may have joked a lot about going over the edge, but interestingly,  I never really did go over.  In addition, I learned that it is going to take a long time before I feel safe with this new position if I ever really do at all.  I had everything that I wanted before we crashed and burned in Boston all in a mere 5 weeks.  We were completely blindsided. To be honest, I am still trying to move past that.  I remember standing on the beach there in March not believing that I could ever be that happy and then...well, let's not go there right now.

So, if life is like a book, let us close the cover on this horror story and shelve it way up high, out of reach, so that I never have to see it again. Then let's try something new, a different genre. Let's crack the spine on a new story written with humor and a happy ending because although we may not have been earning a paycheck these past three years, we have definitely earned our chance at a happy ending.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Arrest Warrant

There I was this morning, going about my day not even thinking about the anxiety-producing trials that I had been subjected to last year when, out of the blue, I received an email from the victim's advocate. Trust me, after the ordeal I went through over the course of two plus years with this nonsense, just receiving the email was enough to throw me over the edge, but then I did a foolish thing.  I read it.  Apparently, the defendant did not show up for her sentencing yesterday morning.  It begs the question why not, no?  Well, she decided to steal something in another city and was caught on video doing so.  I was now being informed that yet another arrest warrant had been issued for her but, the frustrating fact is that she is out and about, back to her old tricks--don't think she ever stopped, right?  I suppose the fear of going away for seven years was not enough to coerce her to stay on the straight and narrow nor is the post-trial process stringent enough to keep her in one place and get her to show up for her own sentencing.

In addition, I was assured that her probation officer was to have seen her last week but it seems she was a no-show there as well.  In and of itself that was not encouraging and perhaps should have been a tip off that she was not going to be bothered with showing up at the sentencing and then heading to jail.  I mean, seriously, she has more 'work' to do.  To say I am annoyed would be a gross understatement of how I am feeling at the moment.  Back when this whole trial event started, I was told that I had to show up because I had been subpoenaed and that there was no 'out' for me despite my fear in having to face the defendants.  I was also told that had I moved (ha) back east, I would need to return for the trials regardless of the fact that I do not fly and that it would have taken days by train to get here for a ten minute testimony.  I did my 'time' dealing with this farce and now I really do feel that the defendant has 7 years of jail time that I want to see her deal with.  After what she put me through, it is the least she could do.

The email also stated that I need to wait until she is apprehended again.  Ah, justice, sometimes the wheels grind slowly but this time, they are turning in reverse!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Seven Is Not So Lucky

I'll admit that ever since the 'Boston debacle' (as I call it) when I was lost in a blissful euphoria but then crashed to a low I had never thought possible, I have had trouble with happiness.  Perhaps not in the way you might imagine.  It is not as if I do not like to feel happy, but rather, I am terrified of happiness because it has become a prime indicator that something crappy is going to happen.  Take, for example, our move to MN.  Everyone should know by now that I was very unhappy--bordering on manic--about the move but once we arrived, I was hell-bent on making a go of it, of changing my attitude and embracing our new life here.  Stupid. Just when I was happily (note the word) ensconced in helping the children acclimate to their new school and decorating our home (22 months after we moved here to be exact), my husband lost his job.  I will leave out all the minutia and the day to day roller coaster of life with this type of stress and fast forward to February 2012 when we put our house on the market and readied ourselves for the big move back east.  Woo hoo, it was awesome!  We even took a trip to check out schools and housing and we were greeted by the most glorious and unseasonably warm weather that we spent our afternoons playing on the March!  I had not felt that happy in forever. Stupid. Until April 6th when our world, once again, came crashing down around us.

I tried to start my morning off in a happy mood despite it being Monday and the start of a particularly busy week including lots of after school activities plus semester final exams which always put my son in the best of moods (wink wink).  Unfortunately, my mood was dashed--no shocker there--as there was an issue with our insurance (a big and potentially dangerous one) and my husband, who had been trying to deal with the mess while I was running an errand, looked as though he was going to have a heart attack, our agent was no where to be found (nor has he since returned a call nor answered my emails) and my poor dog looked like, once again, she had drawn the short straw being chosen to live with our family.

Not only do I think that happiness is over-rated, but I also feel that it is quite unhealthy for me as the fluctuations in blood pressure from happiness to its subsequent (and oftentimes inevitable) crash are killing me.  I think a nice dose of the mundane, a few weeks of calm, no fantastic highs/Hell-like lows, might be just what the doctor has ordered.  Now if someone could tell me how to have a few weeks like that, I would be golden--but not happy.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013


It is the second day of the new year and I am already tired of listening to everyone's far-fetched resolutions for personal health, mental engagement and social awareness.  To be honest, you and I both know that a large percentage of these high-minded though well-intentioned resolutions will not be adhered to much beyond the end of January.  Not only that, but I find it hard to believe that so many hopeful people will become more self-actualized or, worse yet, stay 'true to themselves' ( I have never really understood that one) until year end or beyond. Please don't misunderstand me.  I do give these resolution-makers credit for their eagerness, goal setting ability and all around optimism, but I ascribe to the 'actions speak louder than words' mentality that makes me the ever unpopular realist in my family.

So, this year, as in years past, I did not make any resolutions that I know I cannot keep.  I also never promise anyone anything for the same reason. Instead, this year I decided to change it up and  run counter to the popular norm of attempted bettering oneself for the new year. I decided that it ought be more fun to turn my life on its edge and model some less desirable behavior. For instance, lots of people start exercise regimes but I am going on a feeding frenzy, a veritable descent into couch potato heaven.  Be true to myself?   I am not even sure I like myself these days so why be true, maybe if I model myself after someone else, I might be happier.

By now you may be thinking that I really did fall off the edge and that I must have lost all common sense. Let me assure you that I still have all my marbles...they may be a little mixed up, but they are all there. I am simply so tired of rhetoric and of people all talking the talk, but not following through with their actions. It may seem simplistic but I just wish that people would spend less time talking and pontificating about all the changes and improvements they are going to make to their bodies and their minds and just do it.  Stop telling me and just show me.  Let 2013 be a year of action, not talk.  Okay?