Dear Mr. Identity Thief,
Let's break up! I am so sick and tired of your 'all about you' approach to this relationship. It is very one-sided, you know? The way you sneak around and keep opening charge cards in my husband's name and then buying merchandise online. It is totally ticking me off. I especially detest the way we get charged for your purchases and how we never know what we will be hit with next as you really seem to be on a spending spree right now. Frankly, we are not exactly in the best financial shape right now and your actions are certainly not helping our credit or our emotional well-being. I would love to know what you are buying with all that money. Care to clue me in? Of course, being no stranger to identity theft, I know that most identity thieves purchase gift cards as they cannot be traced. The criminal who stole my identity is still on the loose as she failed to show up for her sentencing and has been eluding the police since January. Nice, huh? I feel so safe knowing she is still skulking around and not in prison. Since my plan is to break up with you maybe the two of you should get together as you certainly have a lot in common.
Being the nice person that I am I would never want to encourage you to go bother someone else with all your nonsense in order to leave us alone, instead I just pray every night that you get caught and end up in jail where you belong. I will tell you a little secret though...I am not that nice and I have wished some other things happen to you as well. At least I am honest which is certainly more than I can say for you.
Now leave us alone!