I know it has been a while since I have posted, but there really has not been much to say. Still no job, still bitter, still trying to make the best of it. That said, as most of you must know by now, writing is cathartic for me and my mind is so full of 'stuff' that if I don't let some of it out, my head is going to explode (and I detest anything messy). Of course, it is Monday and as if that is not bad enough in and of itself, it is the first day back to school after our two week spring break. Even though it was not exactly spring-like nor did we venture to any exotic locale, it was fun to be free from the stress of homework, projects and deadlines of any kind. Since I am a mom who truly enjoys being with her children (a lot), the house seems far too quiet for me right now. The big issue, however, is not merely our returning to a routine but, rather, the fact that now I have to face the fact that graduation is a mere two months away. My last hurdle, our spring break, is now behind us and we are on a bullet train to the end of my son's senior year. Most people I speak to simply don't understand why I am making such a fuss about this and why I cannot get past it. I have been told that I need to accept that he is growing up (I do), be happy that he is moving on and becoming more independent (I am) and just be happy about the fact that he is happy about moving on to the next stage in his life (duh, who says I am not?). I suppose the issue stems from a fact that my mom pointed out to me back when I was three years old and wildly in love with Dean Martin, a feeling that has never changed. She told me that when I love, I love in a deep and unwavering way, quite possibly to a fault. I suppose this is the case with my children. Of course, rationally I understand how fabulous this next stage in life will be for him and how normal it is for him to be excited about leaving the nest, but a part of me mourns all that I will be missing out on in his next chapter. Selfish, you bet. Honest, to a fault.
Each one of my children is so different and each gives me something special that no other one can. This son, though quite different from me in personality, possesses a sarcastic wit not unlike my own. We 'get' each other. He also approaches school and his writing assignments as I do and he loves my input on those assignments. How could I not love a child who wants my input where writing is concerned? My other three, not so much. I could drone on and on about the qualities that I will miss in his daily presence, but I won't lest someone send the men in the white coats to save me from myself. Suffice it to say, I miss him already.
I know it will get easier once he is away at school (notice I did not say when he is gone), and that I will adjust to the 'new normal.' I don't have to like it, however. So, the countdown is on...senior speech, Prom, finals and then graduation. Two months and counting from yesterday. Retail therapy has always helped me in the past but today it did nothing for me nor did the coffee I have been drinking all morning. Since I don't drink and it is raining and dreary, I think I am in for a long afternoon.
I suppose I should refrain from collecting his pictures for the senior slide show parent event. Can you say tissues, anyone?