Memory Hoarder

I realized something about myself while I was deflating a "Congratulations, Grad" balloon to put into my son's graduation memory book--yes, his party was in June but we have been testing the Party City    claim that their balloons last a long time and they do.  I am a memory hoarder.  I cannot let go of one single, seemingly inconsequential picture, craft or event that pertains to my children.  While I am certainly not suggesting that my son's graduation from high school was a mere blip on our radar screen, I seem to hold all things child-related with the same amount of intensity and a fervent need to hold the memory as a keepsake.  For instance, I am certainly an anomaly amongst my friends when it comes to photo albums for my children as each of my children have a large number of albums with photos placed in chronological order, labeled with with the event and any anecdotical comments I may have had at the moment.  I have never missed an event from birthday to classroom party...times four.  Each and every memento brought home is either saved or photographed to be saved...times four.  Interestingly or perhaps scarily, I can remember in vivid detail the situation or event surrounding the picture as well and those key dates that I am fearful of forgetting are written down in memory books...you got it, times four.

Braces on?  I can tell you the date it happened.  Taken off?  Got that, too.  From first haircut (with first cut locks saved, of course) to permit test, I have it documented in each child's book.  I have been laughed at and mocked because, honestly, who in their right mind will care about the exact date that my youngest slept through the night, but I am terrified that I might.  I simply need to remember these things to keep the memories safe.

This summer has been incredibly bittersweet for me because while I am happy to sharing this time with my children, my focus is on summer's end and my son heading off to college.  Memories have taken over my thoughts and this enormous change in my family has me thinking about all the firsts he had taken and the firsts yet to come and the inevitable sadness that I feel that those new firsts will not be documented by me.  Yes, I am fully aware that some of those firsts should not be documented at all.

One of my closest friends told me that while this will be a difficult summer because of the obvious countdown to his departure, once he goes, the focus will be on the countdown to his return and the new memories we will make.  All I know is that I will be there happily documenting those times, memory hoarder that I am.

Unkind Summer

Since the last week of school, my oldest was sick then lovingly passed the bug to my husband who held on to it for a few days, then decided my other son was missing out so he shared it with him. Simultaneous to this germ-passing event, I faced two health issues myself (small, but impossibly annoying and long lasting) before catching that lovely bug from my son who apparently did not want me to feel left out. Thrilled to have received this 'gift,' I sweetened the pot by adding the longest lasting sore throat to the cootie before sharing it with my youngest.  Nice twist, no?  We decided to keep illness for as long as is humanly possible and so we are just now recovering.  Just not a fun start to summer at all.  I was hoping to put all of summer's initial annoyance behind us when we awoke this morning at 5am to the deafening shrill tone of our carbon monoxide detector.  The good thing is that we would have been getting up in 25 minutes anyway, but the bad thing is that no one needs to be startled awake quite like that at any time of the day or night.

My first thought after I was able to calm myself down enough to think was that I had better get out of the shortie pj's and put on some clothes while my second thought was that no one should see what my short hair looks like in the morning before a shower.  Crap, this was going to be ugly, very ugly.  By this point, my husband and the children were in flight mode and with me yelling 'grab Phoebe and get out of the house,' I made my way down the stairs taking my keys and phone (I was later berated by my daughter for not having the decency to have grabbed her phone as well) and jackets for everyone as I ran out the door.  What a fun way to start the day!

While we waited for the fire department to arrive, praying all the time that their sirens would not be blaring, we did what any normal family would do when wrenched from their beds at an unkind hour.  My boys played lacrosse, my husband was on his phone and my daughter chattered on about the morning's events and how incredulous she was that she had seen her phone but not taken it. There you go.

Long story short, the fire department finally showed up only to take a look and deduce that they had no idea why the alarm went off. They took a reading and there was nothing to be concerned about.  Seriously?  I wanted something to be wrong on some level.  We earned a better answer than they had no idea, right? Now I am paranoid this will happen again, randomly. Let's tick another box for additional stress for this mommy.

So summer is bugging me right now.  I had hopes of relaxing and enjoying beautiful weather...don't get me started on that subject either.  That said, I hope summer takes it sweet time coming to an end as my son heads off to college in August and I want to face that even less than I wanted to face those firemen this morning, not showered with crazy hair, mismatched clothes and a bad attitude.

The Final Countdown

I know it has been quite awhile since I last wrote a post, but that does not mean that I have not had a lot to say.  My issue is that most of what is inside my head right now needs to be edited extensively before it hits the page and is ready for public consumption.  It is not a secret that we have been struggling with trying to find a job for my husband, but that has been resolved (albeit for a brief while) with the temporary position he was offered this morning.  While it is far from perfect and it merely postpones our current situation, it does feel good to be able to table our never-ending discussions about networking, meetings, job boards, resumes and online applications so that I can discuss what is truly important to me right now, my son's impending graduation.

Never did I think that this event would bring me to my knees as it has been doing for the last few months.  The family joke is that I can be brought to tears at the mere mention of some inane pre-graduation reference.  My son's senior speech?  I cried for weeks.  Prom?  Yikes.  Last senior speech of the year?  You got it.  The final student was not even my son but I was overwhelmed by the fact that my son's class, in essence MY class, would soon be graduating.  His final two days of his high school career are today and tomorrow and then he has finals.  How did the year go by so quickly?  It feels like only yesterday that we were sitting at his 8th Grade Transition Dinner listening to what would be in store for us in high school.

People tell me that I should be happy for him as he is embarking on his own life now, a new chapter of independence but I am.  I could not be more proud of him if I tried.  You see, I am really crying for myself and all that I will be missing when he goes away.  I tried a variety of careers before having my son but nothing felt quite right.  I was never satisfied and always searching, but then I had a baby and everything crystallized for me.  As antiquated as it may sound, I was born to be a mom.  I have a 'new normal' ahead for me, an adjustment to my thinking and planning as now I will be caring for three children at home, not four. Right now, it just seems weird, odd and surreal that I will not be setting the table for six nor will I be reading over his essays or having him sit in the passenger seat when driving to school with his siblings.  It is definitely going to take quite a while for me to ever get used to this, if indeed I ever do.

I wish I could go back to my 'original normal,' back on the east coast, with my husband working at a job he loved and with me in my sun-filled home stressing out over whether or not to send my soon-to-graduate to kindergarten at four years old or not (I did) and hoping that as my children grew up they would get along better (they don't).  I can say with some certainty, however, that no matter how sad I am about graduation, there is one person in this family who is more worried than I am.  That would be the son who is next in line for all my attention (and anxiety and worry) as he navigates the three years until he goes off to college.

And The Winner Is...

Lists, lists everywhere.  They are my only means of staying sane of late, of ordering the chaos, of remembering who to pick up, at what time and where.  With that in mind, I have decided to try something different today and to utilize my list-making skills on the blog and so I bring you the top 5 reasons why I have become an unemployment shrew. I hope you enjoy the new format and, as always, please feel free to comment if you do. Of course, if you don't, I would ask that you not share your opinion as one, I am already cranky enough and, two, this format will not be a permanent change to my blog. Thanks (insert smiley face emoji).

1.  The interview that keeps on giving.  Simply put, one goes on an interview or two or three, gets amazingly positive feedback, and then never hears from the company again, despite following up via email and phone.  Okay, so clearly the applicant did not make the cut, right?  Why complain?  I'll tell you why.  I feel it speaks to the de-personalization of the process as a whole.  Back in the day when snail mail was the only game in town, responding to all interviewees might have been a real issue, but with the advent of email, this truly becomes a moot point.  Additionally, I am not expecting that a company respond individually to anyone who applied for the position, but merely to the group who made it to the final round of interviews.  At most, maybe 5?  How tough would this be.  To make life even easier, how about a quickie email to only those few who bothered to follow-up, you know, the still-interested candidates.  It might be a nice gesture plus it offers closure. Common courtesy.

2.  Updated job boards.  Yes, I now that only about 2% of all job seekers actually find a job through a job board listing, but for the other fools who check them constantly (that would be me)  in the hope of being part of that small group, it might be nice to see positions that are still open and/or viable.  Perhaps I am over-simplifying the boards' maintenance, but somehow I doubt it.  Purge, people, let it go!

3.  The crazy questions from disbelievers.  First, let me say that I am right there with you.  No one and I do mean no one, can believe that we are going through this for the third time and that my husband is still out of work, more than I can.  Talk about being incredulous!  Jeesh!  That said, if one more person questions how hard my husband is looking for work, I think I may just scream. Do they think we enjoy living with all this stress?  lack of money?  fun? Even if we did, is it any of their business at all? Ah, no.

4.  Financial stress.  Enough said.

5. What to continue to tell the children.  I could go on and on about this one, but I think I will just keep my thoughts to myself.  Trust me, you are all better off for it.   

So there you have it, my vent for the day.  Apparently, the gloomy, rainy day is working on my oft sunny disposition. C'mon on, I could not even type that with a straight face please don't tell me that you could read it with one.

Social Media Mayhem

Choose happy.  Start your day with a smile.  So blessed.  I could go on but my brain does not work well when on optimistic overload.  I much prefer to write in my own reality even when it is far more real than I may want it to be at times.  Perhaps I am being too blunt when I ask if people really, truly believe the quotes they post daily, but after having read more than my fill in the five minutes I was perusing my mostly fashion-heavy Instagram feed, I cannot help but wonder.  Why do so many people feel the need to share all this motivational inspiration?  Do people who post these quotes believe that people don't choose to be happy or that they start off cranky everyday?  Are they gentle reminders or scream in your face demands?  I wonder.

Despite what you may or may not read on my blog, I genuinely do choose happy each day...it just seems that of late, happy does not want to be chosen by me or, rather, we are frenemies instead of BFF's depending on the day. Some days, I resent being told to start my day with a smile because it implies that I may have forgotten to do so or that I start my day with a scowl, which I don't (at least not often enough to mention).  I suppose I have to keep in mind  that the majority of my virtual blogger friends are far younger than I am, mere neophytes in the world of marriage, children and life in general.  At this point in their lives, they haven't a clue about what it takes to stay married for 26 years, all while navigating through ups and downs, good times and bad...and worse.  While I certainly know that problems do not exclusively belong to those who have lived longer, I think we can all agree that life's challenges certainly can color one's perspective and outlook.

That seems to sum up my rant du jour. Today, my black and white manner of dealing with life has reared its ugly head and I am craving some Jimmy Choo and Rag and Bone and the like.  That is inspiration enough for me to choose happy (at least for a little while). 

The Countdown Is On

I know it has been a while since I have posted, but there really has not been much to say. Still no job, still bitter, still trying to make the best of it. That said, as most of you must know by now, writing is cathartic for me and my mind is so full of 'stuff' that if I don't let some of it out, my head is going to explode (and I detest anything messy). Of course, it is Monday and as if that is not bad enough in and of itself, it is the first day back to school after our two week spring break.  Even though it was not exactly spring-like nor did we venture to any exotic locale, it was fun to be free from the stress of homework, projects and deadlines of any kind.  Since I am a mom who truly enjoys being with her children (a lot), the house seems far too quiet for me right now.  The big issue, however, is not merely our returning to a routine but, rather, the fact that now I have to face the fact that graduation is a mere two months away.  My last hurdle, our spring break, is now behind us and we are on a bullet train to the end of my son's senior year.  Most people I speak to simply don't understand why I am making such a fuss about this and why I cannot get past it.  I have been told that I need to accept that he is growing up (I do), be happy that he is moving on and becoming more independent (I am) and just be happy about the fact that he is happy about moving on to the next stage in his life (duh, who says I am not?).  I suppose the issue stems from a fact that my mom pointed out to me back when I was three years old and wildly in love with Dean Martin, a feeling that has never changed.  She told me that when I love, I love in a deep and unwavering way, quite possibly to a fault.  I suppose this is the case with my children.  Of course, rationally I understand how fabulous this next stage in life will be for him and how normal it is for him to be excited about leaving the nest, but a part of me mourns all that I will be missing out on in his next chapter. Selfish, you bet. Honest, to a fault.

Each one of my children is so different and each gives me something special that no other one can. This son, though quite different from me in personality, possesses a sarcastic wit not unlike my own.  We 'get' each other.  He also approaches school and his writing assignments as I do and he loves my input on those assignments.  How could I not love a child who wants my input where writing is concerned?  My other three, not so much.  I could drone on and on about the qualities that I will miss in his daily presence, but I won't lest someone send the men in the white coats to save me from myself.  Suffice it to say, I miss him already.

I know it will get easier once he is away at school (notice I did not say when he is gone), and that I will adjust to the 'new normal.'  I don't have to like it, however.  So, the countdown is on...senior speech, Prom, finals and then graduation. Two months and counting from yesterday.  Retail therapy has always helped me in the past but today it did nothing for me nor did the coffee I have been drinking all morning.  Since I don't drink and it is raining and dreary, I think I am in for a long afternoon.

I suppose I should refrain from collecting his pictures for the senior slide show parent event. Can you say tissues, anyone?

Got To Have Faith

A while back, I wrote a blog expounding upon how I no longer needed to write about unemployment, but we all know how that morphed into a lie.  Okay, lie is a strong word but trust me, I never ever (ever, get the point?) wanted to discuss that topic again.  Sadly, another corporate re-structuring changed that yet again. Fear not, readers, this post is not going to be filled with hate-filled invectives about our plight or the necessity of us finding a job because not having a job (and money!!!) is pretty annoying and suffocating, to say the least.  It is, however, going to be a testament to my husband's big heart, creativity and overall sense of stewardship as it relates to his seemingly never-ending job search and finely-honed networking skills.  You see, after countless years of networking and fine-tuning his '30 second elevator speech' (basically a hyper-condensed version of his resume), he is starting his own networking group at our church.  When he first came to me to discuss the idea, I have to admit I was skeptical not only because it was such a large undertaking, but I also did not think that he would be able convince the 'powers that be' at church to allow the meeting to be held there.  As seems to be the case of late, I was wrong again and he was greeted with open arms.  Perhaps even better for his 'lack of a job' bruised ego, they loved his ideas and have given him carte blanche in implementing those ideas for the meetings. He is energized in a way I have not seen of late and while we are still on the hunt for a 'real job,' I am so proud of him for pushing forth and trying to help other people even though he may not be feeling so great about himself right now.

How I wish that a recruiter could see the level of professionalism my husband possesses and the intense desire he has to be successful at whatever he chooses to do.  My hope is that this new endeavor not only helps its participants find employment, but that through his selfless desire to 'give back,' my husband is rewarded with a job as well.  He has certainly worked hard for it.

For information about the group, check out the group page on Linkedin SJTW Job Transition and Networking Group or contact me at virtualme2011@gmail.com  Spread the word!