Saturnalia

I just read an article about the supposed end of the world this Friday and I must admit that I simply cannot believe that the end could be so close at hand and that the gods could really be that cruel.  I mean think about it, could I really find my end while in the midst of the absolute worst time of my life?  My husband has been unemployed for almost three years now-yep, not a typo, I did mean years-and we are merely existing, our life is in a shambles and I spend my days near tears (except when my children are around because then my 'game face' is on).  Oh, no!  You can darn well bet I am not going out like this.  Heck, I am barely alive as it is so the way I figure it, I am some serious living left to do and no silly little calendar snafu is going to mess up my chances of making right the last three years (and counting...).

I enjoyed the article because it went on to explain that no one really knows what the Mayans had planned for various reasons none the least of which is that some of their writings were illegible.  The article also stated that it is believed in some circles that the Mayans looked at the end of these years as a new beginning, the start of a new and enlightened future. I need to believe that is true for myself as well. That 2012--and 2011 and 2010--are behind us now and that the future holds something far better for us. Besides, with my Dad's and my husband's birthday this Saturday and Santa arriving late Monday, I simply don't have time for the end of the world as I have too much left to do this week!

Ad Infinitum

This post should definitely come with a disclaimer because if you are looking for happy and upbeat, you will need to look elsewhere today because I am in a very dark place.  It all started with the set up of our Christmas countdown clock which has become an unfortunate daily reminder of how close we are getting to the third year anniversary of my husband's unemployment. To say that length of time to be without a job is unfathomable or unconscionable would be a gross understatement of the truth. If this were the plot line in a movie, I would think that the screenwriter abused the concept of poetic license and if a friend told me that this was happening to her family, I would think that she was exaggerating for effect. The fact that it is happening to us personally has made it all too real and inescapable. I don't know why it is hitting me so hard this weekend in particular, but I cannot get over the fact that we used to be so normal and now we are simply not anymore-how much we took for granted like paying bills and buying things that made us happy just because we could.

People ask me all the time what else my husband could be doing to look for work and why he is not getting any response to the umpteen resumes he has sent out. As if I had an answer and, more importantly, as if I were keeping the reason to myself for some demented reason.  Seriously, do people really think we are enjoying this?  That we like worrying about how to hold onto the house, the cars, our minds? And other thing, I don't want to have people tell me that they are going to pray for us. I don't want to be prayed for, in fact, I don't want to be thought about at all, I just want to be normal again.  To go about my business not needing any additional spiritual help.  Believe me, I know their thoughts are well-intentioned but I so long to be part of the regular society again--no prayers required.

Since 2010, I have grown to hate this time of year while the other folks usher out the old year and look forward to a new start in the coming year. To be honest, I am terrified that 2013 is coming to bring more of the same bad luck just like 2011 and 2012 did for us. I've some wicked precedent, you know? I am afraid to be hopeful lest I need to prepare myself for another year like this one.

Would that I have a crystal ball that could tell me when this seemingly endless nightmare might truly be over. Then I could handle the countdown to that date, knowing this perpetuation of joblessness would finally have an end.  Since we are masters at networking, rewriting the resume, applying for jobs outside of my husband's comfort zone as well as to those well within his range of expertise, all alternative suggestions to the job search would be most welcome and appreciated.

Remember, you were forewarned.  I told you I was in a dark place (you should have seen what I deleted from this post!)

The Countdown Clock

Anyone who knows me either well or even less so knows that I am a black and white thinker, no gray.  Plus, adding insult to injury, I am a lover of rules for anything and everything from important safety concerns to rules that may seem silly to others but that are important to me (doesn't everyone lose it when the milk container handles are not facing to the left or product labels are not facing forward?).  So imagine how upset I get when I start to see my neighbors putting up their Christmas decorations right after Halloween. I mean, seriously people, haven't you heard of one holiday at a time rule?  Thanksgiving comes before Christmas, you know?  How can Santa share a stoop with pumpkins?  It is obscene in my book. Now I know we need to beat the bone-chilling cold that sets in annually the day after Thanksgiving...I am so not a fan of 'here'...but this rush to decorate drives me crazy and seeing Christmas trees twinkling in homes days before we have even carved our turkey is enough to throw me over the edge.  That said, I lost my battle this year and to keep my husband happy (quiet!), I conceded and the outdoor decorating was done the day before Thanksgiving when the temperature was a balmy 50 degrees. But,  my tree will not be going up anytime before the second weekend in December and that you can count on!

Today we needed to tweak the time on our penguin Christmas countdown clock and may I say I always dread this as it is one of those 'press A' then 'press B' after holding down 'C' for three seconds type of set up.  Suffice it to say it is never fun but the frigid temps today made the job even more annoying. We must have set the 4 time blocks 5 stinking times but it still reverted back to the incorrect time each time the set button was pushed. I am freezing, frustrated and cranky and I feel like the biggest loser as we have had this clock and set it successfully for the past three years. Everything seems to be turning against us and now my stinking Christmas countdown has joined the party, too. Last year, my neighbor told me how much she and her children enjoy watching the countdown even though they do not celebrate Christmas. This year, I am going to have to make it a point to tell her to buy a countdown app because it will certainly be more accurate than the countdown we have going on on our front porch.

Nuts

I really think I am going crazy tonight or perhaps it is its a sign of the times, but I just spent the better part of a half hour reading someone's blog.  While that may not seem like anything out of the ordinary these days this blog was, quite frankly, about absolutely nothing more than the blogger and pictures of her daily wardrobe. Okay, so she had some awesome travel shots thrown in as by her own account, she is married to a 'brilliant businessman' who whisks the family ( the blogger and their three small children) away on amazing vacations as well as business trips that are 'transformed into makeshift opportunities to see the world.'  Impressive. While her travel log is extensive and the photos were quite beautiful, the rest of her blog is quite literally pictures she took of herself in a different outfit everyday complete with descriptions of each item, where she bought it, what she paid for it and how she might wear it again. It was as if I was in a trance. I wanted to look away, really I did, but I was drawn in, unable to click and 'x' out saving myself from further boredom.  I kept turning virtual page after page partly hoping to figure out why anyone would care what this unknown woman wears everyday and partially trying to understand why this woman wants to show exactly that to all her viewers. I wondered who might really care about this until I scrolled down to find the answer for myself. It seems she has had over 650,000 views and, adding insult to injury, she has 547 followers to boot.

So there you have it, surprisingly lots of people care about this woman and her wardrobe. Perhaps it is a sign of the times that we have such accessibility to people and their daily lives that even the seemingly mundane becomes interesting when someone else is doing it or perhaps she has latched on to the true essence of blogging--give the readers what they want and don't over think the topics.  So watch out readers, with this in mind next week I might be 'wowing' you with pictures of my own wardrobe.  (Note to self, better start dressing more creatively or my readers will fall asleep).

All In My Head

Let me tell you how I feel today.  Joan Rivers, the comedian, recently wrote a book in which she described, in her inimitably profane manner, how she hates everyone including herself and today I feel as though I could have written that book myself.  My son got me up in the middle of the night and while that is certainly nothing new for me, it did set off a domino-effect of annoyances from not being able to fall back to sleep to being stuck inside the 'dark place' in my head where all the bad thoughts lurk, thrive and multiply.  Rather than leap out of bed feeling refreshed (I think the last time that happened was about 9 years ago), I jumped up feeling agitated and cranky.  The list of things bugging me include, but are not limited to, the fact that I have a doctor's appointment this morning...who really wants to do that?; the way I look (awful); the way I feel (worse); the fact that no matter how often I wash my car (multiple times a week), it never looks clean enough; when one child has a problem, it seems they all do (has no one ever heard of the 'one at a time rule?'); my laundry is fornicating and multiplying (I just know it) so my doing 23 loads a week is just never enough; my favorite shirt has a hole in it (gleefully pointed out to me by the child who wakes me up at night) plus too many more issues to list.

My husband insisted that I write it out claiming that it would be cathartic to get it all out of my head and onto paper (okay, computer screen, but you know what I mean) and I know he meant well but I am not sure it is working. Since seeing my list in black and white, I am crankier than ever and the act of mulling it over and thinking it through have only made me want to add more items to the list namely my husband who made me write it down in the first place.  

pinned from www.pinterest.com

Crazy Stuff

Given the utter devastation caused by 'superstorm Sandy,' I have heard quite a few comments about the fact that I am probably happy that I am not living on the east coast now since that is where I was born and raised and had lived until 4 years ago.  Most are surprised by my response which is that I absolutely am not happy, not happy at all, in fact.  Do people really believe that a single storm of the century could keep me from pining away about home?  Impossible.  It will take a lot more than massive power outages, downed trees and never before seen flooding to keep me from longing to return to the east coast.  I was devastated when I had to leave as it is was all I had known and, more importantly, it was the only place I had ever wanted to live.  You know how people fantasize about moving to exotic locales or perhaps moving across the country for a change of scenery and lifestyle?  I was not one of them.  I was fine with moving throughout the tri-state area, but the thought of any further than that threw me into a full-on panic attack...and now I am here, thirteen hundred miles from the coast and I am still trying to find my sea legs.  Quite frankly, I don't think I will ever truly acclimate for a lot of reasons none the least of which is my inability to stop comparing everything here to what we had there. 

It is going to take a long time for the area to return to its pre-Sandy self.  Since I still listen almost exclusively to NY radio stations, I have been able to stay abreast of all the news reports and the continued rescue and clean up efforts and I have heard what the estimates are before everything will return to normal.  But, it will. Despite it all, I still wish I could be back there pitching in rather than living here and watching it all unfold from a distance.  Once a New Yorker, always a New Yorker!

Would That I Could

We are just at the tail end of a weekend that included yet another college visit.  It was an important one for us as this was the first college that my son actually wanted to see as the other two were more my idea than his. While he has a very comprehensive list of 'wants,' topping the list is that it not be in the state in which we live. He is not a lover of 'here' (my apple did not fall far from my tree, it seems) which concerns me because I am hoping that his desire to leave the state does not make him overlook a great college fit just because it is here.  I have told him time and again that he does not have to worry about me showing up unannounced at his school...honest, I swear...if he chooses a college closer than four hours away.  I am really struggling with the whole concept of him leaving altogether,however.  He is my baby, my little guy, he is not ready to leave me or, more to the point, I am so not ready to be left. I honestly don't have any idea how I am going to cope with this but I am counting the minutes to the summer before college when I am going to have to find the almighty coping skill that will get me through it.  I can guarantee you it will not be pretty.  My husband is already prepping for my emotional breakdown by strategizing how to get my crying, hysterical self into the car when it is time to leave campus after freshman drop off. Good luck to him as I would actually like to see him do it myself...I can be very determined where my children are concerned. 

I must admit that I am quite envious of my son's soon-to-be college experience and I wish I could return to college myself,  but do a better job of truly experiencing the offerings. I spent so much time worrying about getting a job after college and starting out on my own that I did not take full advantage of  my college life and I really regret that now. If I could have done something differently back then, I would have tried to get out of my own way because on quite a few levels, I sabotaged my own future by worrying about it so much back then and I am paying for that mistake right now.  Ironic, isn't it?