Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Lethal Combination

For all intents and purposes, I am an 'acting single mom' right now with all its ups and downs.  Add to that the fact that I tend to fully embrace the type A+ side of the personality spectrum and you could see 'crazy mommy' more oft than not.  Oh, I try to keep focused and tell myself things I know I should hear like how I have to 'let go' of some of my tendencies toward perfection right now' and how I need to say 'no' to the children for some of the things they might want to do.  The real problem is that I keep telling myself to shut up!  I have turned a deaf ear on myself and I am barreling straight on through that wall of pseudo-calm I should carefully be building.  Although one of my biggest issues is that I have yet to master how to clone myself, my primary concern is one that I have most certainly perfected--guilt!

Yes, of course I have a mandatory Communion rehearsal for my youngest on the same day as my oldest's first ever lacrosse game.  Why should it be any different with the way my luck has been going of late?  Yes, my mom has eagerly stepped up to go to see the game in my absence but that does not help assuage my 'mommy guilt.'  One of my best friend's, an only child herself and the mom of an only son, once told me that one of the reasons she did not have any more children is because she could not understand how a mom could miss an event in which her child was participating.  After years of saying I would never have children, the moment I saw my son I knew I was destined to have quite a few more--I was hooked on drug of being a mom.  While I would never, ever, change the mommy path I took, boy oh boy, is it difficult for me to miss an event or anything in which one of my children has even the smallest part.  I find my children to be so impossibly amazing (hey, this is my blog so I can gush a little) that I feel gypped if I miss out on seeing something that they do.

Try as I might, it never seems to get any easier for me to handle the guilt and my desire to be a part of it all.  I suppose I need to 'buy a coping skill,' however, as in addition to my regular weekly line up of events, Little League starts next week.  Can you spell more g-u-i-l-t?

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